Free to Love Page 2

  “I’m on my way up the coast to check out the fishing in British Columbia. The Queen Charlotte Islands, to be exact. I just thought I’d drop by to say hello.”

  “Some vacation.” Her voice was contrite. “The minute you arrived here, I put you to work.” She paused, then added, “But how did you find out that I’d moved?”

  “Your neighbor back in Redmond told me, the one across the street. I drove there first, hoping I’d catch you on your day off.”

  “You must mean Mrs. Ramcourt. The neighbor with the big pine tree in her front yard.”

  The artery in his neck pulsed. “Yeah, that’s the one. Luckily, she remembered meeting me the day of Kyle’s services.”

  Joanna shivered as that familiar gray cloud closed in once again. “Yes... the funeral,” she murmured. “In some ways it seems like a century ago instead of a little less than a year.” Unbidden, the bittersweet picture emerged... the tearful eulogies, the entourage of fellow fire fighters who had gather from near and far, the long line of fire trucks that led the funeral procession, Kyle’s favorite engine first, carrying his casket.

  With a quick shake of her head, Joanna tore her gaze away from Austin and stared back at the fire as if hoping that somehow its warmth would take away the cold, hard pain deep inside of her.

  “I barely remember the details of that day,” he replied with a catch in his voice. “I guess I was in shock like most everyone else.”

  “So... ” She exhaled slowly, steadying herself. “So here we are again. You, footloose and fancy-free, passing through town. Me, trying to live in the midst of utter chaos.” She waved her hand about the room.

  “And your getting caught earlier in a rain squall wasn’t total madness,” he said. “You were tired of painting and decided to go for a run.”

  “Yes. How did you guess?”

  His somber expression melted into a smile, showing fine laugh lines at the sides of his eyes. “I can see it in your hair. Oyster-shell white, or something like that. Right?”

  Self-consciously she combed her hand through her long, wind-tousled strands. She couldn’t help but smile too. “Right, but painting’s only the beginning. Just look at this place, Austin. Look at all the work it needs new roof, new carpets, new plumbing.”

  “Then why did you buy it?” he asked with typical male logic. He settled his back against the couch again, linking his hands behind his head while he waited for her answer.

  “This was the only way I could afford to buy beachfront property, to find a fixer-upper that needed plenty of TLC. But when I finally get the work done and can rent out the other side, it should prove a good investment. I need every penny, it seems. Though Stacey was granted a student loan this year, I try to help her out as much as I can.”

  “Ah, I always figured you had a good head on your shoulders,” Austin said. He nodded his approval. “Think you can make all this work?”

  “I hope so. As you probably remember, I’m the only family Stacey has, and I feel responsible for her.” Her eyes took on a faraway look as she continued, “When we lost our folks in the car accident, Stacey was only a junior in high school, and I had just graduated from Oregon State. For the following year and a half, we shared an apartment together in Redmond, till Stacey left to attend the university and Kyle and I got married...” She broke off, chewing on her lower lip.

  Their gazes caught and held. Expressive brown eyes so painfully like Kyle’s, she thought, with new awareness. Why? Why now? She’d just made a clean sweep of her life in an admittedly rash attempt to blot out everything that reminded her of her husband.

  But now his older brother was only inches away, threatening to thwart her carefully laid plans. Except for the fact that Austin was nearly three years older, he and Kyle could have passed as identical twins.

  He turned to her, regarding her for a second, then sent her a lazy grin. “Sure you’re leveling with me, Jo? Sure there wasn’t some good-looking lifeguard who talked you into moving here?”

  “No way. My only contact here was Aunt Marcella. She was the one who spotted the employment ad for the aquarium and tipped me off.” Joanna leveled him an unwavering look. “And as far as men go, the last thing I’m in interested in is romance.”

  “But why?” A shadow crossed his face.

  “Because I’m still in love with Kyle.” She felt her throat closing over, the tears springing to her eyes. “I’ll always be in love with him.” She hesitated, tempted to tell how she’d struggled with the pain, how everywhere she’d turned, there was always something to call forth the memories. But no, Austin had only stopped to say hello, and things were going to get better. He didn’t need to know.

  ***

  He averted his gaze. She was tearing him up inside. Any woman with Jo’s good looks, corn silk blond hair pulled back in a loose ponytail, sparkling blue eyes and porcelain fair skin shouldn’t be sitting around in sackcloth and ashes. Even Kyle—especially Kyle—wouldn’t have wanted that.

  He stared into the dancing flames, remembering too. Kyle. His kid brother, the rebel who insisted on becoming a firefighter, despite their parents’ insistence that he follow the family tradition. For three generations now, all the men, their mother too, had been employed in some branch of medicine. But it was he himself who’d encouraged Kyle to follow his dreams, wasn’t it? He couldn’t deny it. All the more reason he must stick to his word....

  ***

  “Enough about me,” she said with forced airiness. “How’s your life going in San Francisco? You still enjoying your practice at the zoo?”

  “If you can call cocktail parties, research grants, and fund-raising practicing veterinary medicine,” he replied. “Though I’m only thirty-one young in comparison to the other vets there, lately I’ve been getting stuck with nearly all of it.”

  “And that’s why you decided you needed to get away?” She really hadn’t needed to ask. The stress was obvious, having left its mark on his too handsome face.

  “Yep, I was going nuts. The bureaucratic hassles were getting to me.” He stared at some indiscernible spot on the opposite wall, mulling over what he needed to do. Truth was, he’d only planned a quick visit with Jo before hitting the road again. He’d figured she’d be getting on with her life without the added pressures of moving, a new job, and major house repairs to boot. But it was obvious now he’d figured wrong. There was no way he could turn his back and leave.

  “I’ll make you a deal,” he said at last. “I’m not too bad with a hammer and nails, you know. I even do plumbing.” His gaze flicked over her.

  “And?” she prompted. She could see his jaw tense.

  “I have several weeks. I’ll postpone my fishing trip... for just a while. I’ll stick around and help you get the duplex back in shape. I could live in the other side in exchange for my labor.”

  She felt as if someone was squeezing the air out of her lungs. She groped for the first excuse she could muster, but even as she spoke it, she knew it sounded inadequate. “I... I don’t know, Austin. I mean, what would you do? There’s no furniture in the other unit, and I’ve none to spare. I sold everything I didn’t need before the move.”

  “That’s the least of my worries.” He settled his elbows on his thighs. “I’m a bachelor, don’t forget. And I like it that way. Bottom line is, I prefer living without frills.”

  “But you’re supposed to be on vacation. Why would you want to spend it working?”

  “This will be a vacation. We’ll call it a camping trip, if that makes you happy. I’ve got a foam pad and bedroll in the back of my Jeep that I keep there for emergencies. I’ll throw them down on the floor. And if the other side of the duplex has a room with a view... well, what more could I ask for?”

  “Thanks, but I’ll manage,” she insisted. “Kyle and I spent nearly every weekend together remodeling the other house. I learned a lot from him. And what I can’t manage alone, I’ll contract out.”

  “You need help,” he insisted, ignoring her ref
usal. “I’ve got the time and the know-how. Seems to me the rest should be obvious.”

  She toyed with the hem of her T-shirt. It was tempting. Her job at the Southport Aquarium would leave little free time, and she would indeed need to look for extra help. Besides, this way they’d both be saving money. Since Austin Hadn’t packed along any camping gear, other than the bedroll he’d mentioned, he probably had planned to stay in motels.

  “So it’s settled,” he said, after she’d hesitated a second too long. He flashed her a disarming smile. “Starting tomorrow morning, eight sharp, consider me your hired hand.”

  Chapter Two

  “He didn’t make it,” Joanna said to Austin the next evening as she closed her cell phone.

  “What?”

  “The sea lion died about an hour ago,” she clarified. After her first day on the job and a quick trip to the grocery store afterwards, she’d barely stepped in the door before the call from Ted Ashelman had come through.

  Austin frowned, setting his paintbrush on the top of the stepladder where he’d been working in the adjoining laundry room. “Too bad,” he said, moving toward her, then placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Guess we found him a little too late.”

  She sighed heavily. Despair weighted her voice. “Yes, I’m afraid so. When I phoned Dr. Ashelman first thing this morning from the aquarium, he said the poor animal had taken a turn for the worse and the prognosis was poor.”

  “So you were prepared for bad news.”

  She shrugged out of her lightweight denim jacket and hung it on the hook behind the kitchen door. “Sort of. But I guess I wasn’t willing to throw in the towel till I knew for sure.” She sighed again as she twisted a strand of hair around her index finger. “Something’s got to be done, Austin. That sea lion didn’t have to suffer and die. It’s inexcusable for any of our wildlife to suffer like that.”

  He held her gaze, facing her squarely. “Things are being done. When I drove into town today to pick up more paint, I noticed a poster at Harborman’s Lumber about a beach cleanup. It’s in a couple of weeks, I think.”

  “Yes, I know. Trudy Conner, my boss at the aquarium, is the one who put the poster up. Some time ago, she volunteered to be the zone captain for this part of the coast, but she had to resign because of unexpected family obligations. I told her I’d be more than happy to take her place.” She reached into the first of two brown paper bags filled with fresh fruit, vegetables, pasta, and assorted cheeses, the staples of her typical vegetarian diet. Silently she opened the refrigerator door and placed a brick of Colby cheese on the top shelf, while he hunched down to stash a five-pound bag of potatoes into a low cupboard.

  “Gosh, Jo,” he said after a long moment’s pause. “This was only your first day on the job. Sure you want to take on all this extra work too?”

  “No problem. I like to challenge myself.”

  “So what’ll you have to do?”

  “For starters, I’ll have to contact the garbage haulers to coordinate the collection sites. Then I must talk with the beach captains in my zone and make sure they understand about setting up the registration sites, checking in volunteers, tallying the collection data cards—that sort of thing.” She drew in a deep breath. “Last but not least is the publicity, probably the most significant part of all.”

  “Meaning, undoubtedly, you’ll have to get out the word to the television and radio stations, plus the local and state newspapers.”

  “Yes, but thank goodness, I’m not working alone.” The refrigerator door gave a muffled thud as she shut it. “I’m only one of many who’ve volunteered on local, state and national levels. Only problem is, it seems many people are still in the dark about the importance of it all. There’s never enough volunteers and the problem is especially critical in Southport.”

  “Why?”

  “Because of the town’s recent population explosion and popularity with tourists. Our marine wildlife is dying. And if something isn’t done, our beaches here will be buried beneath mountains of trash.” She pointed to a stack of flyers on the counter. “I’ve got to start getting these out as soon as possible.”

  “Let me help you.”

  Not answering, she wrenched her eyes away from his, struggling to ignore how his nearness disturbed her. It was uncanny... and scary. Every time she looked at him, she could only see Kyle.

  ***

  He noticed the sudden shadow darken her face. He saw that desperate, panicked look in her eyes. Was she feeling overwhelmed with the task she’d taken on? Or was she perhaps still thinking about the dead sea lion?

  “What is it, Jo? Is something wrong?”

  “Has... has anyone ever told you how much you look like Kyle?” she finally asked in barely a whisper.

  “Yes, all the time.” Her reaction caught him totally by surprise. He flinched, his voice ragged. “I’m sorry, Jo. I never considered that. Never for a minute. Maybe I shouldn’t have come.”

  ***

  She turned to him again and said haltingly, “You needn’t apologize, Austin. I’m the one who should be sorry. It was selfish of me. Lately, it seems I’m so into myself, preoccupied with my feelings. But I can’t help it, a small voice inside of her cried. Especially when you show up like this practically out of the blue. And here we are already, putting away groceries together like Kyle and I used to do.

  He brushed her cheek with the inside of his thumb. His touch was gentle, his skin smooth, clearly the hand of a man who spent more time at fundraisers than engaging in physical labor, she thought. Was his insistence he stay to tackle the necessary repairs really appropriate?

  “You’re not selfish,” he said. “Feelings are feelings and not to be judged.”

  “Yes, but I’m not the only who’s hurting. You lost Kyle too. And what about your parents?”

  With furrowed brow, he nodded towards the breakfast nook, a U-shaped green upholstered booth that wrapped around a square oak table. “Sit down. We need to talk.”

  “About what?”

  “About what really matters. It’s high time we got past the small talk.”

  Hesitating, she did as he said.

  He slipped in across from her, his expression intent as he folded his long legs under the table. “So it sounds as if life has been pretty unbearable these past months...”

  She poked at a crumb. “Uh-huh. Worse than unbearable. It’s been a nightmare, really.” She lifted her gaze to his and spied the flecks of gold in his warm brown eyes. The slanting rays of the early evening sun shimmered through the window behind him.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked in a low voice. “I’ll be the first to admit, I didn’t call often enough. But believe me, I would’ve checked in more if I’d only known.”

  “I... I... thought I was strong. I thought I could handle my grief alone.” She averted her gaze. “Some people might accuse me of running away, moving to Southport like this, but... I had no choice.”

  He shook his head decisively. “I believe in constructive running away as long as you aren’t trying to escape from reality. After all, that’s the route my folks took too. They completely uprooted themselves to devote their lives to public service. For them, that has been a powerful healing.”

  “I’m afraid my escape wasn’t nearly so noble,” she answered softly, half apologetically. “It was the memories, Austin, not only my desire to come back to the coast, or because I have an aunt living here. The memories were making me crazy.”

  He hesitated, rubbing his chin. “I understand. Mom and Dad have their memories, too, twenty-seven years’ worth. The house in Seattle where they raised us, Kyle’s model car collection, his rubber tire swing still hanging from the giant maple in our backyard...” His voice trailed off. “And not a day passes that I don’t think of my brother also.”

  “Oh, Austin...” She back-handed the tears coursing down her cheek. Tears of grief. Tears of release. For these past empty months, she’d felt as if no one who’d ever walked the earth coul
d understand her emptiness.

  Now her feelings gushed forth like released water from a fractured dyke. “Kyle and I... we were so in love. It just wasn’t fair... that he should die. He was much too young, too good, and full of life. We had too many dreams. Kids. A nice home. Building our careers together. And afterwards... after that horrible night, everywhere I turned, there was something to remind me of him. I thought, in time, the feeling would go away. But it didn’t. It only tormented me more.” She choked back another sob, yet it nevertheless escaped from her lips. “Sometimes at night, sometimes when I couldn’t sleep, which was most always, I’d get dressed and drive over to the house where the fire broke out. I’d park on the far side of the street, not wanting to get too close, just sitting there looking at that dreadful, charred monster, wondering what Kyle’s last thoughts might’ve been, wondering whether he suffered.”

  Austin let out a low groan as he lunged to his feet and captured her hand, pulling her up to him. “Poor Jo... how awful. How incredibly awful.”

  In an instant, his arms encompassed her, and she felt herself melting against his broad chest. The silence stretched between them as they rocked gently, consolingly, sharing their mutual loss. His embrace brought reassurance... and a sense of wonder. This man. So big. So strong just like Kyle.

  Austin’s voice rumbled against her ear as he continued to hold her. “There’s something you should know, Jo. Something that perhaps Kyle never mentioned.” Then he pulled back allowing a full arm’s length between them.

  “What?” she asked.

  Hands clasped tightly behind his back, he started to pace, his eyes downcast. “It may be true that Kyle and I look a lot alike,” he began tersely, “but that’s really where our resemblance ends. He was the rebel, I was the compliant one.” She could hear the escalating tension edging his voice, see his frown deepen. “Years ago, when Kyle was a senior in high school and I was living at home and commuting to the university,” he continued, “Kyle told Mom and Dad he wasn’t going into medicine like everyone else in the family had. At first our parents were livid, then eventually their anger mellowed to bitter disappointment.”